To the Ladies...

Don't assume that guys won't care where you are, because we do.

If you are at the mall, at work, with your mom, or buying shoes we care...not a whole lot but we care.
If you are on your knees, on your back, on the kitchen counter with whipped cream and garters on we care...oh man, do we care.

Or...

If you are on your knees, on your back, or on the hood of some other dude's car, you better believe we care!


Also, don't talk about your ex-boyfriends.

They obviously didn't cut it, didn't treat you right, couldn't keep it up, couldn't keep it in their pants, or couldn't stay out of your underwear drawer long enough to keep you...so why talk about those losers.

If you feel the need to talk about them, the best way to approach the topic is with my dick in your mouth, then talk away...remember, no teeth.


We don't care if you talk to other guys.

Just have the decency to introduce them to us...nothing drives a man crazier than hearing about (or worse, seeing) his woman flirting with another dude that's been hidden from him.

If you feel you absolutely must ride that pony into the sunset, at least have the compassion to get his girlfriend or wife to join us. Don't hog all the fun for yourself, share! (My kindergarten teacher was a prophet!).


Also, when we tell you you're pretty / beautiful / gorgeous / cute / stunning, we freaking mean it.

Don't assume we're saying it just to appease you or because we just want to get laid. We don't always say it even though we ALWAYS want to get laid. Out of all the women on this planet we chose your pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, cute, stunning ass to be with at this moment in time, so know that we mean it.


Don't be mad when we hold the door open

If we're doing that it shows that we were raised by parents who taught us to treat people, in general, and women, in particular, with courtesy, respect, and character. That and with yall making more money, our gender role being squandered like a rich kid's trust fund and all this metrosexual crap going on these days, it's one of the few ways a real man can still be a man (thank God football and titty bars haven't been made illegal yet).


Kiss us when no one's watching.

We don't really go for the typical PDA. It, like the fancy towels, plates, throw rugs, and make-up, is more for show than anything else.
Now if you are inclined for Pubic Displays of Affection, we will be delighted to find the nearest alcove, car, movie theater, or bathroom to suit your needs. Like I already mentioned, we're not in it for the show, so let's go!


You don't have to get dressed up for us.

While we do like it when you do, we aren't staying with you for your mini-skirt, awesome hair, or the way you put 10-lbs. of makeup on so that it looks like you aren't wearing any. We know you are the finest piece of tail that God put on this Earth and, in typical guy fashion, we could care less about the wrapping paper, we want the present.


We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.

We aren't with you just because you are a dancer, nurse, teacher, submissive, bi-sexual, orally-fixated, heavily-pierced, nympho (but if you are, my number of 919-555-1212)...we are with you because you are you, in all it's splendor: racing emotions, heavily detailed stories about everyday events, indecisive, wanting attention (even during the game), need to talk about our relationship, biological clock, and all.
If you fit the first set of characteristics, remember my number is 919-555-1212.


Don't take everything we say seriously.

We're joking when we say things like "Do you think your sister would be into joining us?", "Your best friend is a MILF", "Why don't we ask her to come back to our hotel?", and "This is why my last gf/wife got that restraining order."...unless you're into that sort of thing. Hey, we're just trying to make light of the situation and really, if you wanted sensitive, compassionate, empathic dialogue you'd be dating your girlfriends (just let us bring the camera...see, just kidding...unless you're into that sort of thing).


Stop using magazines/media as your bible.

If these people already knew "10 Secrets to Please Your Man", "How to Lose 20 lbs. in 2 weeks", "Making the Most Fulfilled You", and "Explosive Nights with Black Lights", they'd already be pole dancing at Catch Her In The Rear. The people who write those articles spend as much time as you do trying to figure those things out when the answer is right in front of them...

Be Yourself
Love Yourself
Love Others
Don't Others Impressions of You Determine Your Impression of Yourself
and
What's Behind You and Facing You is Not as Important as What's In You!

You know we love you, so let us in you. We'd like to be more important than a 100-page glossy tabloid.


IF YOU AREN'T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A GUY, DON'T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE. DITCH HIS SORRY, DISCRACE-TO-THE-MALE-POPULATION ASS, AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH UTTER RESPECT

We know, we know, we know that you want a bad boy.
We know, we know, we know that you want a thug.
We know, we know, we know that you want a player.

We also know that you want someone who will treat you right, take care of you, and do right by you. On behalf of all men, I want to let you women know one thing...every man has bad boy, thug, and player in them. The ones you go after don't have much else in them. Find a good man who genuinely cares about you, your well-being, your feelings, and your needs and nurture the bad boy, thug, and player out of him. Hell, if you can get a guy to wash his ass, pick up his clothes, and take out the trash...bring out a good man's inner bad boy is a cinch! Then you get the best of both worlds.