Not Happy

I am not happy I am angry I am frustrated I am confused I am sad I am
not happy

A million little slights and dings and setbacks and limitations sting at me
over and over
condescension
arrogance
hubris
malevolence
debasement
spite
envy
over-emotional
over-critical
over-aggressive
over-passive
over-compensated

under appreciated
under respected
under wanted
under fire under pressure under constant scrutiny under the shadow of those who do less but make mouths happy

under happy
under
a lot
of shit
that grows
at an alarming rate
an alarming rate of speed
an alarming rate of mass
an alarming rate of impact
alarming
i am the only one alarmed
i
am the only one
alarmed
that I'm not happy
i am the only one who sees
that I'm not happy

One shot to coat my soul
a soul hollowed out by memories
of memories that
never happened to me
by the anguish of a friend
by the torment of stranger-turned-friend
by the crisis of the unconcerned
by the health of a hypochondriac
by everyone's reasons excuses stories anecdotes traumas abuses
by everyone

by the drowning of my self-imposed muzzle
in the bottle of medi-sin I choose
by being so far gone that
talking over someone
walking away
laughing at ridiculousness
and telling someone to shut the hell up
armors my senses and releases some of my
burden

is it better to be the asshole drunk who's getting healthier
or the sober nice guy who dies
a little faster than others

neither the asshole drunk nor the sober nice guy were terribly happy
the sober nice guy will be less broke
the asshole drunk will be less social
the sober nice guy will live in his livingroom
the asshole drunk will live
they need to come up with a new guy
blind to the past
hopeful for the future
confident in today

they don't know how
they don't know how