Being me & consequences

I have been me for 32 years now. There are positives and negatives to being me. I enthrall and piss off a lot of people. I succeed and fail a lot of the time for the same reasons. I am lovable and hate-able because I focus on what is important to me, I downplay things which are out of my realm, and I scheme and plan for everything else. I say what many believe shouldn't be said. I think what many believe shouldn't be thought. I live my life as though finding enjoyment (in any form) in the next moment is all there is...and the living of that life steps on the toes, sentiments, feelings, morees, beliefs, assumptions, and MOs of most people.

Who is left? Those who take themselves just seriously enough to be called by the same name from one night to the next. Those who accept that every plan has a 90% chance of failure due to things that you did not know you needed to control in order to make the rest of your plan work without fail. Those who live on the whims of life and are willing to glide in my draft for a time. Those who live a life with both purpose and plan which happen to coincide with me for a time. Those who, through no fault of their own, grow to love me and what I mean to their lives. Those who take themselves just serious enough, or not serious at all. The former can be a forever if our means, our desires, and our methods do not clash. The latter is a fly-by-night and can't be counted on for anything deeper than entertainment.

So who am I left with? Those who have undertaken a plan and purpose to whatever ends they desire. Will they maintain the bridge that links us? Maybe. If I will, probably. If I won't or don't, probably not. They are the focus of their lives as they are the focal point of their dreams and desires. They are the lead in their play and that's how it should be. They've got more important roles than to be a side-part in my play. Who remains? Those who are intricately tied into my plans and purpose and those who love me even when they hate me (and in time everyone will have that experience). How do I embrace those ties to those people for those purposes which will no sooner leave me than the skeleton that keeps my body in place? I don't know. I'm working on finding out but the answer is that I don't know. Where our focus and plan and purpose meet, there is a synergy that is only strained by a difference of method, experience, perspective, attitude and goal. Small things really, unless you put importance on them and then they are the whole world!

I can empathize with a person's past but that won't shake me from important truths that I have come to accept. I can learn from another person's experience and see the benefit in doing something a certain way but that won't shake me from doing what I feel is needed to achieve my/our desired result. I can come to understand the archetype that embodies the role of the role I currently occupy and know how that has come to make an influence on those I love...but that standard, or archetype, or example is not, will not and can not be me because we are not the same. Your past, your past people and your ideal are wonderful but they are not me. I will not occupy that role because they are not me. I will not take on the persona of anything or anyone that is not me. I am me and I will be genuine me for as long as I live.

Geniune me doesn't have the answers
he is still looking, and finding more questions
Genuine me doesn't have a routine
he finds newness in every aspect of his life
Genuine me strives for transient status in transient goals
but focuses on very sedentary and tangible aims
Genuine me has never met a stranger
Genuine me only bites his tongue when the consequences are greater than the pain of biting
Genuine me bends to an objective but refuses to break
Genuine me recognizes all and accepts very few.
Genuine me is me
It is not him or her or them or what was or what will be or what you want
but just is
me
as I am

At present, the consequence of honesty is unknown
the consequence of dishonesty is very well known and unacceptable
Unacceptable because I will not sully my journey for "visiting hours"
I will not shackle my persona because my free speech costs too much
I will not muzzle my tongue because there are only a few good men left
and they can't handle the truth
I am me...genuine
genuinely confused
genuinely frustrated
genuinely naive
genuinely aggressive
genuinely social
genuinely up and down
genuinely every problem and every solution I've evr found
and in it, a physical manifestation of one's dream
becomes
real.

Not Happy

I am not happy I am angry I am frustrated I am confused I am sad I am
not happy

A million little slights and dings and setbacks and limitations sting at me
over and over
condescension
arrogance
hubris
malevolence
debasement
spite
envy
over-emotional
over-critical
over-aggressive
over-passive
over-compensated

under appreciated
under respected
under wanted
under fire under pressure under constant scrutiny under the shadow of those who do less but make mouths happy

under happy
under
a lot
of shit
that grows
at an alarming rate
an alarming rate of speed
an alarming rate of mass
an alarming rate of impact
alarming
i am the only one alarmed
i
am the only one
alarmed
that I'm not happy
i am the only one who sees
that I'm not happy

One shot to coat my soul
a soul hollowed out by memories
of memories that
never happened to me
by the anguish of a friend
by the torment of stranger-turned-friend
by the crisis of the unconcerned
by the health of a hypochondriac
by everyone's reasons excuses stories anecdotes traumas abuses
by everyone

by the drowning of my self-imposed muzzle
in the bottle of medi-sin I choose
by being so far gone that
talking over someone
walking away
laughing at ridiculousness
and telling someone to shut the hell up
armors my senses and releases some of my
burden

is it better to be the asshole drunk who's getting healthier
or the sober nice guy who dies
a little faster than others

neither the asshole drunk nor the sober nice guy were terribly happy
the sober nice guy will be less broke
the asshole drunk will be less social
the sober nice guy will live in his livingroom
the asshole drunk will live
they need to come up with a new guy
blind to the past
hopeful for the future
confident in today

they don't know how
they don't know how