Perfectly Imperfect

To work toward
To strive
To thrive
is to put a goal in mind
a goal of being better
a goal of growing
growing in knowledge
growing in ability
growing as a person

I have that goal
I try to work toward that goal every day
I'm not always on point
I'm not always moving ahead
Some days I move backward
Some days I stay still
and recoup the energy it took to make it this far

I have things in my life that help me recoup
revitalize
re-energize my mind, body and spirit
these things have helped me heal, forgive, and move beyond
those things
foreign and domestic
that have held me back, kept me down, or sapped my strength

Several of those things have lost potency
Several of those things have gone by the wayside
Several of those things I can't do anymore
and still more just don't work at all
There are a precious few left that still have the power to
clear my mind
cleanse my spirit
and power my body
Precious few

Those things aren't happening much these days
There are events, situations and contexts that make those things
difficult
if not impossible

One such measure was taken to excess
to dangerous levels
of expense
of toxicity
of dependence
It no longer was a release valve
It became a pressure builder

So I made a decision to stop
and I did for a time
not nearly as long as I set out to
but I did stop for a time
I came across a flash boil point and
fell back into a newly-minted and non-productive
habit

A habit I'm trying to break
It's not that I want to stop this thing altogether
but I want to break myself of the habit of abusing this thing
out of a perceived dependence on it

Realizing my error, I told my beloved
She is very disappointed and more than a little fearful of
what it might mean
To me, it means I made a mistake
I am willing to own up to my mistake
I am going to continue toward my goals
and hopefully not make that mistake again
I won't say never
I don't make promises that I'm not certain I can keep
and there lies the problem
I'm not certain I can keep this one

My uncertainty is seen as weakness
it is viewed as a character flaw
it is "an indication" of things to come
where I may succumb to my weakness
in matters far more important to me

I can not say that is invalid
but I can not say that this is new either
it is me

I don't hit home runs on the first pitch
I don't say things perfectly the first time
I don't do much of anything perfectly or consistently
when I first try them
but that is not a problem
to me
because I have the determination
to keep trying
to keep going
to start again where others who claim defeat
I am not defeated until I accept defeat
which I never do
I just try again until I'm better
and keep trying until I'm better still
and bit by bit I get to my goals.
There hasn't been one yet that I haven't reached
or am on my way to reaching.

My start was certainly imperfect
but I'll keep trying until I get where I want to be
and in that effort
and in that goal
I will be perfect

Information hidden in an open book

(This post was originally written on February 21st, 2011)

There is an old saying:  If you want to keep something from the (insert ANY disenfranchised, downtrodden group here), put it in a book.


The premise behind it is that the groups that are unsuccessful are unwilling or unable to read.  Throughout most of history, that premise has proven more true than many are ready to accept.  Throughout most cultures the educated make up the aristocracy because they know more about the system/government, they know more about business, they know more about money, and they know more about people.

That last part, knowing more about people, was the sole reason I am interested in psychology.  It is also a big part of the reason that, while I'm not the most amicable employee I am one of the quickest to get ahead.  It's a reason why I get along well with so many different types of people and it's something I pride myself in.  It can also be one of the things that makes me the maddest when people I care about don't use.

For the most part, people don't look into knowing or finding out more about other people because they assume they already know.  A woman is crying because she is sad.  A man is angry because he lost his job.  A child throws temper tantrums because they want attention.  These are things that many of us were raised/taught to believe and many times they are true.  The problem is that they are not always true and we are overlooking something significant in those times when our initial belief/assumption is wrong.


That is a very close approximation of where I find myself now.  Over the past two months I have started a college course, found a new job, quit my current job, and done a dangerous amount of drinking.  I admit it, I have done stupid things recently and I can see how they would be scary to anyone who really cares about me.  The problem, my actions.  The solution, who knows?  But the solution a person comes up with will have a great deal to do with what they attribute the problem to.  If they internalize it and come to believe that they are a part of the problem, they'll change themselves.  If they believe something external then they might try to alleviate the effect of that thing.  But if it is something far larger and far more insidious, then they're faced with the possibility that there is nothing they can do.  That is a scary and sad state of affairs.  Sad because it may be misinformed.  Scary because it leaves the person with two options...fight against an enemy they can't see/reach or abandon trying to help in favor of self-preservation.

In this case, someone I care about very deeply has seen all the actions that I refer to above and decided that the problem is Alcoholism.  Given my history of drinking, I'm not decided not to disagree with that assessment but I was before and am now a person who drinks too much.  I freely admit that much.  That said, my drug of choice is people...always has been.  I am a very social person and I quickly go insane when my social outlets and social interactions are cut off.  If there are Socialite Anonymous meetings, point me in the right direction.

What happened in those moments that I refer to is not the manifestation or progression of Alcoholism.  Then as now, I don't drink heavily at home or by myself.  Then as now, I don't dream about or think about drinking.  Then as now, I don't become a different person when I drink.  Anyone who has seen me sober, in a good mood, in public knows that I'm every bit as outgoing, loud, and occasionally obnoxious then as I am when drinking.  Anyone who regularly watches sports with me can attest to that. 

What happened in those moments was the culmination of a lasting depression.  It is a depression based on a large number of changes in my life...some of them I love and wouldn't change for the world...others I would never had asked for and would like nothing more than to go back to the way things were, or something close to it.  These changes started gradually and then hit all at once when my children were born.  It happened, I'm dealing with it, and it is getting better.

What seriously concerns me is the blind eye that is turned to what actually is happening in favor of a simpler, easier to swallow explanation...with far more dire circumstances.  What seriously concerns me is the belief that this assumption is sufficient to explain a lot of non-drinking related behavior.  Do I drink all the time?  Am I supposed to be suffering withdrawal pangs?  No and no.  I am, nonetheless, missing my real addiction...social interaction.  I miss it terribly.  I don't get an outlet at work because, well, I'm not a terribly PC person and my conversations would lead to trouble if I tried having them at work.  I've got enough personal experience with this to know it true. 

I'm sure there's more to say on this topic but at the moment I'm tired and drawing a blank.

To be continued...