Perfectly Imperfect

To work toward
To strive
To thrive
is to put a goal in mind
a goal of being better
a goal of growing
growing in knowledge
growing in ability
growing as a person

I have that goal
I try to work toward that goal every day
I'm not always on point
I'm not always moving ahead
Some days I move backward
Some days I stay still
and recoup the energy it took to make it this far

I have things in my life that help me recoup
revitalize
re-energize my mind, body and spirit
these things have helped me heal, forgive, and move beyond
those things
foreign and domestic
that have held me back, kept me down, or sapped my strength

Several of those things have lost potency
Several of those things have gone by the wayside
Several of those things I can't do anymore
and still more just don't work at all
There are a precious few left that still have the power to
clear my mind
cleanse my spirit
and power my body
Precious few

Those things aren't happening much these days
There are events, situations and contexts that make those things
difficult
if not impossible

One such measure was taken to excess
to dangerous levels
of expense
of toxicity
of dependence
It no longer was a release valve
It became a pressure builder

So I made a decision to stop
and I did for a time
not nearly as long as I set out to
but I did stop for a time
I came across a flash boil point and
fell back into a newly-minted and non-productive
habit

A habit I'm trying to break
It's not that I want to stop this thing altogether
but I want to break myself of the habit of abusing this thing
out of a perceived dependence on it

Realizing my error, I told my beloved
She is very disappointed and more than a little fearful of
what it might mean
To me, it means I made a mistake
I am willing to own up to my mistake
I am going to continue toward my goals
and hopefully not make that mistake again
I won't say never
I don't make promises that I'm not certain I can keep
and there lies the problem
I'm not certain I can keep this one

My uncertainty is seen as weakness
it is viewed as a character flaw
it is "an indication" of things to come
where I may succumb to my weakness
in matters far more important to me

I can not say that is invalid
but I can not say that this is new either
it is me

I don't hit home runs on the first pitch
I don't say things perfectly the first time
I don't do much of anything perfectly or consistently
when I first try them
but that is not a problem
to me
because I have the determination
to keep trying
to keep going
to start again where others who claim defeat
I am not defeated until I accept defeat
which I never do
I just try again until I'm better
and keep trying until I'm better still
and bit by bit I get to my goals.
There hasn't been one yet that I haven't reached
or am on my way to reaching.

My start was certainly imperfect
but I'll keep trying until I get where I want to be
and in that effort
and in that goal
I will be perfect